Tescos car park after they experimented with a ladies only day
Quotes:
I've taken the first few of these quotes from Baz Luhrmann's song 'Everybody's Free'. I have selected the best ones for this list, some have been altered from the exact lines. The rest are just others that I've heard. I feel that these quotes/sayings are very true to life, enjoy.
If I could offer you just one piece of advice for the future, sunscreen would be it.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
When your older you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you.
Worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Get plenty of calcium.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Respect your elders!
If you worry to much, you worry too much.
If you steer half as much, you'll steer half as much.
It's better to keep quiet and look stupid than to talk and remove all doubt.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If at first you fail, skydiving is not for you.
You can choose to worry or you can choose not to, but which will make you happier?
Don't read a book by its cover or you may misinterpret the content.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
Silence is a text easy to misread.
It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't.
Man is a pupil, pain is his teacher.
It's not because things are difficult that we don't dare; it's because we don't dare things that are difficult.
The wise man asks himself the reasons of his mistakes. The fool asks others.
By trying often, the monkey learns to jump from the tree.
With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes silk.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who thinks he can.
Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
Profound questions:
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
How about the first guy to try a chicken egg? Do you consider him brave? How many tries before he cooked it?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
How come we call it an asteroid, yet it's in the hemisphere but we call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If it's a 50mph wind, and you drive your car 50mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?
If we made a statue honoring a pigeon, would generals relieve themselves on it?
Do tropical depressions ever seek psychiatric help?
If we used to dial a phone number, what do we do now?
If the Pope appears on a quiz show, wouldn't he automatically win because he's infallible?
Do deer actually look for deer crossing signs?
Is that why the signs use a picture to communicate?
Are elephant boogies really long?
In America, why do they call a public toilet a bathroom or a restroom when there's no bath and no place to rest in one?
What's worse -- American television or the fact that so many other countries watch American television?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? (same goes for those traffic light buttons)
why do we wash bath towels? aren't we already clean when we use them? and if not? what's the point of the bath...?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Tetleys employees take coffee breaks?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If women = Time and Money, and Time = Money, then; Women = Money2, so considering that Money is the route of all evil, does that mean that women are all evil?
Facts of life:
1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle get synchronised with that of a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether its OK to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic toy figurines assume intercourse positions is almost impossible to resist.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a flat ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to accidentally call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Elderly ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm (or neck) broken by a swan.
30) The most painful common household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.
38) The sex scenes always start in films just as your parents come into the room.
39) Old ladies don't understand the concept of waiting in line for the bus.
40) When you are a kid no matter what you do, or what you play, you manage to get cuts on your knees.
41) Nobody asks people to repeat themselves a third time, they just smile and nod.
42) Nobody knows anybody who's face was stuck like that when the wind changed.
43) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
44) No matter how hard you think you are, you will crap yourself if a stranger starts climbing a ladder you are at the top of.
Actual Signs:
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Launderette:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. ! WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Things kids have actually said in school
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Blonde jokes:
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell Porsche.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another Blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde."
She then pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Other Jokes:
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?", "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.". "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?", "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.", "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?", "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie." "You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf. "Could I see him?" So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure eough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink i asked for a 10 inch bic.
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Qantas Airline
Before every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Darwin Awards 2004
The annual top 7 Darwin awards.
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. He added that the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER...
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, he has achieved the requirement of removing his genes from the gene pool - demonstrating the effect of natural selection - so we have allowed it.
The following are pictures, not moving images!
Brain teaser 1
Brain teaser 2
Brain teaser 3
IQ test game
This game is designed to test your mental skill. In the shortest time possible you must get all the people to the other side of the river but...
Here are the rules:
Only two people on the raft at one time
Only the mum, dad and policeman know how to operate the raft
The dad cannot be left alone with any of the daughters without the mum present
The mum cannot be left alone with any of the sons without the dad present
The convict cannot be left alone with any family member without the policeman present
It is possible, it seems hard at first but it is doable in under 10mins. After clicking the link, press the big blue circle to start the game.
Play the game